The most common misconception about boundaries

Perhaps one of the most colourful conversations one can have is explaining to your Chinese parents what the hell boundaries are.

And because they didn’t know what they were, they were not taught to me either. The same fear and resistance they feel now is the same fear and resistance I used to feel when I heard the word being used.

As my mom said, and I do empathize, it sounds like you’re building walls to keep the other person out.

I grew up in a culture where to love and care for someone often meant going out of your way to take things over for them. Do it so they don’t have to do it themselves. Do it because you want what’s best for them.

But who decides what’s “best”? Who is the judge of that? How can we know what’s good for another person?

What often ends up happening is we project our own values and preferences onto them. And it puts an insane amount of pressure on both the “provider” and the “dependent”.

“But you know WHY we do it,” she said.

“Yes, but the intention doesn’t necessarily make the behaviour okay,” I said.

Usually at this point of the conversation, my mom will sigh and say something in Chinese to indicate the conversation is over. And then I’d leave in equal frustration.

But I didn’t.

“When you worry about somebody, it’s a lot of anxiety, Mom.”

“No!” Then, “Actually, I couldn’t sleep that night…”

Tears. And the tension dissolved into relief. Relief of naming the emotion behind the anger.

Even in love, sometimes we get caught up in what’s “right” and “wrong”.

There is no right or wrong way to love somebody. It really comes down to how interested you are that the other person FEELS loved.

If the value is placed on how much we love, that might not necessarily mean the other person feels it. And that in itself can be the loneliest thing in a relationship - between a parent and child, between partners, even between friends. To know that there’s love, but never to quite fully feel it.

If the value is placed on how well we COMMUNICATE love, then that’s where it can make all the difference.

Boundaries aren’t put in place to keep you away. They’re there to say that love can exist even with conflict. Even with disagreement. With conflicting views, opinions, ways of life. We don’t have to be the same to love each other. We just need to stay curious and interested in how the other person feels loved - what they need to feel safe, accepted and understood.

The most common misconception about boundaries is that after we state our boundary, the other person has to change their behaviour.

Boundaries don’t guarantee that they’ll change. It guarantees that we will.

Boundaries are not the walls we’ve built to protect ourselves. They’re an invitation on how to show up to our house if they would like a seat at the table.

You’re allowed to shift who you make space for.

Perhaps even more important than the external boundaries that we voice to others, are the internal ones we voice to ourselves. How we promise to guide ourselves when things don't feel right. How we promise to give ourselves permission to change our minds. Permission to soften, when old patterns appear. Permission to choose differently, because the mud we think we’re stuck in is really just a resistance and fear of change.

Boundaries are scary if we think the other person’s reaction is still our responsibility. They are liberating when we hand that responsibility back to them. When we realize the only actions, thoughts and words we’re responsible for, are our own.

And if you’re just learning how to set them, know that it does NOT need to be perfect. Begin by simply refusing to carry it all on your own anymore. Begin by realizing it never was yours to carry. Begin by recognizing that a different ending exists. The same conversation is not the same, when you’ve changed your mind, and how you choose to be.

What boundary needs to be set?

What would that allow you to feel?