The failsafe way to have a bad day

Would you like to know the secret to having a bad day?

Take everything personally.

Someone not texting back. A friend canceling plans. A coworker being short with you. Someone criticizing your work. You don’t get invited. Your partner is quiet. You make a mistake. A social media post or comment.

The thoughts that go through your head: They’re mad at me. They don’t care. I’m not good enough. They’re doing it on purpose. They don’t like me. Why do I always do this? What did I do wrong?

And the simplest, most direct path to peace?

Realizing that none of it is.

Now I said simplest - it does not mean it’s the easiest.

But, when practiced, this one change can pretty much have a 100% success rate in guaranteeing the most peace.

And one of the reasons why it's simple, but not easy, is because even when we’ve learned to stop taking the things others do personally (which will already free up about 70-80% CPU in the brain), the next part is even more challenging.

This is the one that I’ve been hit with more and more lately - is how to not take myself personally.

Sounds strange, right?

If the thoughts are coming from my head, how can it not be personal? Doesn’t that mean it’s coming from me? Isn’t that as personal as it gets?

The answer is - no, it isn’t. Because even our own thoughts rarely have anything to do with us. Most thoughts and ideas were put there by someone or something else. Think about all the information you’ve received since the moment you were born. All the opinions, thoughts, feelings that were given to you by the people around you, people you love, people you went to school with, work with. Even strangers you come into contact with. Ever since the advent of the internet, there really is no limit to who has access to you. Your brain is in constant contact with the outside world. And it’s constantly trying to process all this information and figuring out how it pertains to your survival.

If we can take a step back and see our brain as a protector, a firewall, a security detail - it soon becomes clear that we are not our brain. The brain is merely another tool that is part of an extensive toolkit we have at our disposal.

And a big part of the brain’s job is to generate thoughts. And if we think of the other part our brain, the part that wants to keep us comfortable, as an office assistant constantly coming to us with ideas on how to make our day easier, we also see that we don’t have to say yes to everything they suggest. Some ideas are better and more valid than others. After all, the assistant’s job is just that - to assist. Not to take over, or to make any executive decisions.

For a lot of us, the problem seems to be that we’ve let our security detail and assistants take over. We’ve forgotten our leadership role, and the importance and responsibility of that role.

As you’ve probably gathered by now, no matter how useful your assistant is, they will never be as good as you at doing your job. And no matter how well-meaning your security detail is, they will never be as good as you at doing your job, either. They both have a very specific set of skills, as do you. And they’re waiting for you to lead.

Sometimes, if we’ve been stuck in a place of feeling scared, exhausted, or decision fatigue, it can feel good to have someone else take over. It can feel safe to let the automatic thoughts and repeated patterns take over. It can feel like survival to let autopilot take over.

But if we remain in that state for too long, this is when dysfunction sets in. When anxiety starts to knock on your door. Trying to wake you up. Get dressed. And get out there to take ownership over your life again.

All life is wired for survival. Birds, fish, reptiles, plants. When we watch our mammalian cousins in the wild, you might notice that many of them have a “shake it off” mechanism. I see this in my dog all the time. Her hackles go up when she thinks there’s a threat, and then she shakes it off and it goes away. Within seconds. Back to the present moment. Happy again, ready for play. The complexity of our brains enables us to do so much. But our capacity for memory, if not applied with care, can be a hindrance.

Our past, our pain, isn’t there to hurt us. It’s there to help us. How we use it is our choice.

If we hang onto experiences and repeat the story and relive the pain thinking it will protect us, we’ll stay in the dark room with the curtains closed and count on our security detail and assistant to take over.

If we use the experience as just that - experience - then we can become the effective, wise leaders that we need, that the people around us need.

Cruel questions we ask ourselves: “What’s wrong with me?” “Why can’t I just get over it?” “Why do I always mess this up?”

Kind questions we can ask ourselves: “What does this part of me need right now?” “What pattern is trying to protect me?” “Where did I learn to be this way—and is it still helping me?”

We have no control of what happens. Only our thoughts about it when it does.

What keeps us stuck is how personally we take it.

And that, too, is a choice.

What are you taking personally?

What’s one thing you can begin to forgive in yourself?