Anger, overthinking, and my popcorn ceiling
For a long time anger was my strength. Then it was my weakness. It was my ally. Then it was my enemy.
It made me feel like I had a voice in the world. Then it made me feel like I couldn’t shut up. Then it made me feel safe. Then it made me terrified of myself.
When I sat with it long enough - when I sit with any emotion long enough - I can see it for what it is.
It’s a tool. It’s neutral. It’s neither good nor bad. It’s neither part of me nor apart from me.
When I say it’s a tool, I mean that I can choose to use it how I want. It can help me say things that need to be said. It can show me what I have a problem with. It can show me where I still feel unsteady. Where I still feel I need protection.
There's a time and place. Just like I wouldn’t use a hammer to paint a painting, I wouldn’t use a brush to build a deck. The hammer doesn’t decide what my deck looks like. The paintbrush doesn’t decide what my painting looks like.
A compass can show me which direction is which, but I have to choose which way to go. It guides me, but it doesn’t compel me to act.
If I use the tools in the wrong place at the wrong time, or depend on them to tell me how to act, I’d feel helpless and confused.
Knowing which to choose, when, is also a skill.
I caught myself overthinking the other day. I was washing my hair and a thought kept repeating. I realized I was rehearsing what I’d say because I was scared someone was upset with me.
So I got out of the shower and lied on the couch and just stopped everything. I stared at my popcorn ceiling and wondered what on earth I was so anxious about. What an imagination, I thought.
Peace. No matter what happens, I thought, nothing is as important as peace. I will choose the most peaceful decision, when the time comes. It’s decided, now. No rehearsing needed. All emotions are secondary or tertiary or just way down somewhere on the list. I will act in service of my peace. That’s all I need to know.
My breathing slowed, as it slows now.
Things are never as complicated as my mind goes writing it up to be. Especially when I remind myself of one very easy-to-remember priority.
I refuse to be pulled in several directions at once. What a waste of energy.
When everything calls for your attention, unplug the phone lol.
You can see every emotion when it calls. You have caller ID. You don’t have to answer every call. You don’t have to participate in every argument your mind invites you to. You don’t have to go on every road trip to worst-case-scenario land. That’s an all-night drive. Fuck it.
Turn off the phone. Look up at your popcorn ceiling. Count the kernels til you fall asleep. And then dream of all the beautiful, glorious, sweeter-than-honey things that are yet to come.
